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I know I really shouldn’t complain much… My life, compared to others, has been quite the privileged one. I was born into a comfortable upper-middle class family, I was raised on a lake house, my family always took fancy vacations, and my family has always been good to me. With the exception of some hard times, some bitter love, and arguments, my family has never abused me; physically or emotionally. My parents are still together, they paid for my Art College, and are doing the same for my sisters Cosmetology studies. My sister and I have always squabbled but now that we are older, I 25 and she 19, we are getting along a lot better, like sisters should. I have a comfortable job, and have been lucky to hold comfortable jobs ever since graduating. Sure, money could be tight sometimes, but I knew my family would always bail me out if I ever asked, which I never do, but I’ve always lived comfortable. Sure, there are some things I would change about myself, but about my life over all? No… I’ve made my mistakes, but to get to where I am today I would probably make them all over again. So where is this leading? What am I trying to get at? That I am a privileged person who has had a much easier lot in life than many others, but I have always battled with depression. I have no reason to be depressed most of the time, but I know I always have dealt with this, and I think I always will.
So why am I bringing this up? Well, because my last journal was a bit vague about what I am going through, and I don’t want to leave you guys hanging. Sure, technically it’s none of your business, and some of you might not even want to hear this, but I figure I owe some sort of explanation if I’m going to go away from Deviant Art for a little bit. I never did appreciate artists I watched who vanished for long periods of time without an explanation, and I don’t want to be that person. But the fact of the matter is my creativity, my drive to draw, even doodle my dinosaurs, has completely evaporated due to recent events that have caused my depression to explode. Events I will explain to you in more depth as this journal goes on.
Right now, this all stems from a guy… I’ve never been the best when it comes to romance. I mean, I understand it, I think it’s beautiful, and I can portray it in art, but as far as my personal life is concerned I tend not to know what I want, how to handle certain unpleasantness that occasionally comes with a personal relationship with another human being, and the type of partners I choose. I usually go for friends, which I know is a bad idea, but hell, who better to love than someone you already trust? Well, it’s bitten me in the ass a couple times, but none so much as this time.
He and I were high school sweat hearts, but broke things off when I went through college and the distance became an issue. About a year after graduating, so about 3 years after we stopped seeing each other the first time around, we started a new relationship. We were both adults, we were both working, and we fell madly in love all over again. I got my job on the other side of the State, and asked him to move in with me. He agreed, and had his job transferred out to where we were moving. We got a small apartment, a dog, and for a while we were both working full time, paying the bills, loving life and loving each other. But that was not to last.
I do not want people to think badly of Him, I still love him, and technically speaking he is a kind hearted person, but I have no sugar coated way of describing what our relationship became. No matter how I word this it’s just not good. Basically, He started working less and less, until in the more recent months He wasn’t working at all. All the financial burdens of life fell on me. I told Him that if He was going to be home all day, while I was working, He needed to go about his day a “stay at home mom“ might. Meaning, take on the responsibility of the home. That meant cleaning the house, doing laundry, cooking, etc., because before hand he was spending his infinite time sleeping or playing video games. And part of those duties was to look for new jobs. Well, it didn’t quite work out.
He never quite did the house work to my high standard, I often had to finish the cleaning, wouldn’t look for work unless I really pressured him to do so, which started turning me into a nagging monster. I was becoming a bitch mom-figure in this relationship because I didn’t know what to do with him. And so, months ago, my depression reared it’s ugly head and started to take over yet again while I was dealing with my difficult relationship…. Sure, I smiled for people, made excuses for him to my family and friends; I don’t think anyone but my Mum really knew how miserable I was… She was always good at reading me that way, she’s a good mother. I don’t think he even noticed. But, back to the point at hand…
I think it was when he started staying up all night playing games or watching TV, and sleeping through out the day and thus not doing his chores, that things started to get really bad. I told him that if he could not maintain a proper sleep schedules, especially when his nightly activities could disturb my sleep and I worked full time, that I would start taking the internet router at night. Because it was honestly unfair how he was managing to skirt around doing chores by staying up all night, when cleaning would be too noisy, and sleeping through out the day. It was honestly like I was his mother, dealing with a stubborn teenager, and I think we both felt it. I started resenting him for putting me in the position of the “mother”, constantly nagging him and taking away privileges as if he were an irate child, and he started resenting me for taking up that mother-like authority figure in the household. It was honestly just a matter of time before the damn broke for one of us, and the damn broke for me earlier this week.
Well, I suffered miserably for months through this stage in our relationship. I was constantly threatening “If you don’t shape up, get a job, etc, you’ll be gone.” There were several times where I got very close to kicking him out, but I never went through with it and I don’t think he ever really took me seriously. Well, he should have… Because this past Tuesday and argument broke out over me hiding the God Damn router, and me telling him he can have it back when he returns the cans that he said he would do, but didn’t do, the day before. He exploded, then I exploded. He told me to stop treating him like a child, I told him if he wanted that he had to grow up and be a man, and basically after a while of arguing I had had enough. I kicked him out. I kicked my boyfriend out of the house.
He backpedaled quickly, trying various different ways for me to change my mind, and though I was crying(at work mind you) at the thought of not coming home to him, I held my ground, I told him to leave. And leave he did. He took his stuff, packed it in his car, and went back to his father’s house. I was a mess… You have to understand something to really get how I am feeling, I still love him. Had he been a more responsible adult, and more financially stable, we probably could have been together forever. He treated me well, never threatened or abused me, loved me and made me laugh. We were great partners emotionally, but financially he was just too unreliable and irresponsible and finally it culminated into the events of this week. I love him, it would be so much easier to hate him, and that is why this is so hard.
I’ve been battling against the shadow of depression that has been creeping over me and trying to take me over for the past few months… This week, the depression won. I don’t know what He and I are anymore, I don’t know if we’re together or not, all I know is I feel cheated because he made this happen, and hurt because I wish it hadn’t come to this. And though some might think “Oh she’s just going all emo over some dumb boy!” I can assure you that’s not the case. I do have depression, it is a real thing in my life and has always been since a young age, but it’s manageable. But when emotional upheavals, like the one I’m going through now, enter my life it makes it so much worse. I can’t think, I can hardly concentrate at work, to keep myself from just laying in bed all day and crying I have to keep myself constantly busy. Yesterday, I took a day off work and went to 2 different farmers markets, a grocery store, the dog park, and still felt miserable the moment I stepped back into the house, the moment I have time to think.
Anyway, this is becoming a bit rambling, so let me sum this up nice and neat. I’m going through a breakup. This breakup is really hitting my depression issues hard. Because of this, my brain is like a soggy sandwich that is falling to pieces but still managing to stay strung together by little fibers of cheese and meat. My creative self has just been punched in the gut, and I don’t see myself doing any art, other than the art I have to do at work, for the foreseeable future.
I know things will get better, that my current raging depression will calm back into it’s “in the back of my mind” self it usually is, but it isn’t better right now. I have a vacation coming up in two weeks, maybe that will help… But he was supposed to be coming with me, so we’ll see how that goes. At least there will be friends. And, I do have to say, all my friends are being very supportive of me, online or in real life. My Primal Carnage Extinction clan really made me feel close to normal last night. My good friend G.K came over the night after it happened and drank beer with me far later than he probably should have because he had work. And even my online peeps, those who had kind words to say in my last journal, my clan(as already stated), and my Skype buddies have been helping me feel better. Everyone is being really nice and that really does help.
It feel unfair to repay your kindness with the lack of the ability to create art for DA, but I really can’t right now and I hope you understand. And I hope you don’t take this journal as far too emotional, or dramatic, because that’s not what it was meant to be. I don’t really like to talk about my feelings too much to my friends, and I wouldn’t dare post this one Facebook because there are too many people I don’t want sympathy from, plus I’ve never been one to publicly state stuff like this on Facebook, I don’t want to make a scene as He and I have the same friend group.. I just needed a place to vent and DA was that chosen place for me.
And please, don’t worry about me or pity me. I appreciate sympathy, but that really wasn’t this was about. This was about me saying what I am afraid to say to others, and venting what needs to be vented. Don’t worry that I might harm myself, I have and never will cut or contemplate suicide; to me it’s the cowards way out and I’m too damn afraid of death anyway. I just needed to vent. Thank you for letting me vent. And I hope I can produce art for you again sometime soon.
Lots of Love to You All,
due date. June 1st 2015
Haven’t done a contest in a month or so so why not. Create a character contest for the missing pieces in my TLK family Tree. Not really in a huge TLK mood as of late, but I do love seeing contest entries and these slots do need to be filled.
Take one of the missing pieces of my family tree, marked with question marks, and create a character to fit there. There’s no promises I’ll ever actually get around to that characters specific story, but your design, if you win for that character will be considered an official character in the family tree. There are 5 characters to be designed, 5 winners, go!
Now this is going to be a bit different than my other contests. There will be no 1st, 2nd or 3rd place but more so I will be picking my favorite for each question mark spot on my family tree. And honorable mentions may be given out.
If your design gets picked for a character you get…
If you get an honorable mention: